Begin Your Free Ordination

A Last Minute Rapture Guide

Posted on by Reverend Mary


So this is it. The rapture 2011 is upon us. You have opened your sacramental wine, made your 5/21/2011: the Rapturelast confessions and (hopefully) had a great time blowing your savings.  Now all you have to do is wait to ascend into heaven.  To make sure it is a smooth transition, we have provided some tips.

1) Make an effort to avoid operating heavy machinery, flying planes, or be part of a human pyramid for being raptured during these activities would harm those who were left behind.

2)Pack a lunch, the journey to the heavens may be long and involve steep hills. It would be in poor taste to be cranky upon arriving at the pearly gates and snap at Saint Peter.

3)Wear clean underwear. Keep in mind, your clothes will be left behind and you want to leave a positive impression of those who were raptured.

4) Water your lawns on the 20th, just because you have been raptured doesn’t mean you can be wasteful and leave your water running for all of eternity!

5) Feel free to make all of your dentist appointments on the 22nd, the best excuse in the world is being raptured.

Keeping all of this in mind, it will also be paramount that you follow the correct steps to ensure that you will be raptured.  Simply believing Jesus is Lord may not be enough, as it may be angels who are sent to collect you, and they are not infallible which means that could potentially leave you behind. If Jesus or God himself come to pick up all their believers, you will be in the clear.

In case it is angels that are doing the collecting you may want to check out a website like this: http://www.getrapturecertified.com, they offer rapture certification. This extra precaution may provide you with some needed peace of mind also you will receive a neat certificate which will help explain to everyone who is left behind where you went.

Not to leave out those who are left behind (either by choice or by accident), here are some post-rapture festivities and benefits:

-Post rapture looting, as it is the beginning of the period of tribulation, I doubt anyone will notice if you allow yourself to use your five finger discount.

-Empty movie theaters!

-No traffic around churches on Sundays may cause property values to go up. Plus, all of those empty churches can be converted into bars, 7 Elevens or firework stands.

Whether you’re left behind or making the long and hopefully not arduous journey upward, the ULC Ministries wishes you the best of luck in whatever your future ventures may be. After the rapture, you can still become a pastor online and start your own church, for the record.

Good luck on Judgment Day!

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