Funeral Services

The emotions and logistics of the Funeral Service

I will present some examples of graveside ceremonies later in this training session. This ceremony below involves the minister presiding over the ceremony in a funeral chapel without graveside services. It is at the graveside service that it is the custom of the culture to pick up small grasps of soil and toss it onto the casket, or to place a flower upon the casket and for the minister to speak the words, ashes to ashes, dust to dust which is the culture in the U.S., however it is not necessary if not requested in particular. I always use the phrase with the rest of the verse which I will state later in this training session.

At the very onset I want to advise ministers to allow the emotions of the moment to prevail over any service or ceremony. When people become overcome with emotion there are usually individuals that will come to their assistance with an embrace, holding of the hand or arm, or a whisper of comfort and consoling. The minister should pause for the moment and then begin from where it was interrupted and DO NOT start over. Family and friends will understand and the event becomes part of the collective memories of those attending. Grieving is a process in steps and sometimes the steps come quickly without much warning. Allow the emotions to flow and do not block any sincere expression of emotion.

Once the minister is contacted by the family the process begins; however there may be times when the minister is called to the deathbed scene to pray for the individual before the individual passes out of the mortal realm. If such is the case, the minister should not engage in the planning of the funeral in that situation. Deathbed situations are reserved for grieving completely. If the family insists on starting the planning for the funeral the minister should respect that wish, however the minister should never begin the discussion at the deathbed scene.

For this example the minister has been contacted by the family and is not a close friend or relative of the deceased.

The call is received:

The minister LISTENS to the family member(s) for as long as is necessary to gain the important information and also to allow the family member to vent pent up emotions. Allowing time for the individual to express emotions is vital at this stage of the funeral planning. From this point onward the minister must be willing to accommodate all instances of grief and outpouring of emotions. In some instances outbursts of tears and crying may interrupt the ceremony, so be it.

Remember that the funeral service is for the living and not for the deceased individual. All outpourings of emotion are accepted right into the ceremony and holding up the ceremony for a few moments will add to the emotional drama and the beginning of the healing process. The healing process may take years, but the beginnings are at the funeral service because of the finality of the ceremony, the ending moments of being within sight of the loved one.

1. Ask who is in charge of the funeral planning.
2. Ask to meet with the family or the individual taking charge of the arrangements.
3. Have a paper and pen available to take notes when meeting the family or individual in charge of the arrangements. You can use our Funeral Planning Sheet(pdf) as an outline for those notes.
4. Ask the location of the ceremony, name of chapel, address, name and telephone number of the funeral director and have that information written down for future reference.
5. Ask for the time of the service and whether there will be a viewing ceremony before the actual ceremony and whether the family wishes the minister to be present. Usually this is important only if the minister is familiar with the family or departed one in a religious affiliation basis.
6. Ask if there are going to be any special honors given by the U.S. military or VFW type service or related organizations which provide the U.S. flag and sometimes a rifle salute. Ask who is to receive the flag if one is presented.
7. Ask whether there are any special situations they want honored, any special music and whether it will be provided by the chapel 
8. Decide upon a schedule as to how the service will progress and who and when each will speak. Have this written out and available for the family for their approval. A funeral planning sheet(pdf) is provided with this training session.

The minister should lead the service and be near the casket when delivering his or her service at the head end of the casket. Certainly, the minister should seek to conduct himself or herself and the service in such a way as to promote an atmosphere of peace and tranquility. Unless the religious persuasion of the family is unfavorable to such happenings, the minister should speak firmly with confidence befitting a representative of God.

The physical manifestations common to fundamentalist denominations that are warmly disposed to shouting, walking back and forth quickly, waving of the arms above the head, speaking in tongues, or any such mannerisms that may call attention to the behaviors rather than the message should be avoided as it tends to become a revival service rather than a remembrance and celebration of the life of the deceased. The customs and tradition of the belief system should prevail, however if the minister is not of that belief system it is important to NOT pretend. Sincerity of purpose and behaviors should be respected.